[come to ME]

when YOU came looking for me

i thought it was over

i thought we were history

and all i could think about

was how i'd let YOU down

how i'd let YOU down

my heart has played the harlot 

and wandered far from home

like a ship without an anchor

drifting on its own

and YOU came calling

always calling...

['jealous' by phil joel]

["a person, typically a woman, employed to care for a child in its own home"]

warning:

foaming bath bubbles +  jets in the tub + walking away from a mischievous, light-hearted kid in the bath 

=

AN INSANE OVERFLOW OF BUBBLES, BUBBLES, BUBBLES!!!

i walked in the bathroom, to find that ken was having the time of his life in the biggest mess of bubbles -- they were up to his belly-button! he so innocently responded to my initial questioning, shocked yelling with giggles. and instantly i couldn't help but laugh. laugh. laugh.

i'd never seen so so so many bubbles in my life!! when i opened the door, out they would pour! :D

ray usually opposes bubble baths, but he just had to get in on this one...

in the end, there was no getting around it. we were going to have to make a mess on the bathroom floor. :D

i said to ken, i said: "don't ever run the jets like that and let bubbles get up to your waist again, okay?"

                                                                                                  

                                                             "ok!" he said with a cheerful grin...

..............................................................

i LOVE being a nanny.

since beginning my life here at 515 hampshire court i have been falling rapidly in love with the japanese children entrusted to my care. :D ray is 7 and obsessed with dinosaurs. ken is 10 and seems to  be obsessed with bubbles. :D

the thought of being  a nanny first tumbled in and through my mind last summer, as i was contemplating what i would do after graduating from the honor academy. i eventually dismissed it, deciding it would be strange..."i don't know anyone who needs a nanny," i mused. and the thought of nannying for a stranger was not so exciting.

8 months later...

here i am, and the LORD has blessed me with the opportunity for me to enjoy life here, taking care of these young-ins.  i can look back at things in my life in the last year that greatly prepared me for this responsibility. 

among my favorite delights:

- cooking the food of japan: rice 3/4 times a week, the most soy sauce i've consumed in my life, my first baked eel was juicy!, experimenting with these seaweed things, and quickly converting to japanese ramen noodles.

- seeing ken's face light up when it snows because he can't wait to get his boots and coat on to shovel the sidewalk and driveway. "will you get the shovel?! :D"

-the continuous struggle...the most arduous task of mine: taming ray's ridiculous bed-head hair every morning.

- the way ray often expresses his approval of me: "i like people who are nice...people like you."

- discovering from ken's teacher at school that he has been talking a lot in class about his "new sister."

- all the laughs, "just kiddings!," talks about JESUS, and bed-time stories. 

"you look like my mommy."

  i was a little surprised to hear these words from the younger, ray, this afternoon as we snuggled on the couch. his mother is  obviously japanese, not very much resembling me...to say the least. i asked why?

                          "cause you are taking care of us."..."i love you janell camp."

...............................................................

[melting.overwhelming]

two.

two friends.

two friends of mine asked me tonight....

how is your relationship with JESUS? how is your walk with the LORD?

i left texas 27 days ago. since then, i have experienced what it is like to live for JESUS alone. in a place where there is no one who wants to love HIM with more than words. no one who gives HIM the respect and adoration that HE is worthy of. no one who yearns to know HIM more and does something about it. no one who understands the cost of following the RISEN MESSIAH.

my response to the question?

the question that has been ringing in my ears all night?

a bit lacking...

because of a lack of effort on my part.

i am not by any means walking/running from HIM...

but i am not where i want to be.

i do not feel distant, or doubt my love for HIM or HIS for me...

but i'm not wrapped up in HIM as desperately as i should be.

i am not falling into sin, living a life of compromise...

but i am far from being holy as HE is holy.

it is okay...

but i am not content.

i long to go back to that place. where all doubts vanish. confidence rises. unshakeable assurance abounds. my heart sings. joy overwhelms. WHERE YOU AND I COLLIDE. where my soul longs for YOU. and YOU come like the rain. 

i long to be so deeply scarred by my encounter with GOD that i will never be the same.

i long to go back there. HE was wooing me like never before. i was lovesick. HE would render butterflies in my stummy. HE made me giggle. i was adored, and in utter adoration.

then the next resounding question posed:

what are you doing about that hunger?

 

this house will be a sanctuary. my sanctuary. where i will minister to my LORD. i will sit at HIS feet, drink from the cup in HIS hand, lay back against HIM and breathe, feel HIS heartbeat.

 i do not want to live or breathe without HIM next to me. i will wake up to HIM every morning. HE will continue to be more real to me than anything in this world.

i will not  live defeated. because i am not. i am not hopelessly surrounded. i will be strong in the LORD and in HIS mighty power. i am a warrior princess - i will live like it. i will be uncompromisingly righteous. i do not fear. the LORD my GOD is with me and will strengthen me. HE will give me the land -- everywhere i set my foot. 

i will put on the belt of Truth. the schemer's lies will not dissuade me. i will not get entangled in civilian affairs, but my aim will be to aim the ONE to whom i am enlisted. i will be disciplined and steadfast.

i will live in the secret place. i will meet HIM there. i will come to HIM, take HIS ring on my finger, and cling to the ONE thing that really matters.

thank you, friends. for asking the questions that matter. :D

.

[sun]

small shoes. blond curls. bare feet. sweet bows in tidy locks of hair.

"mamma look at this. mamma look at this."

climbing. hanging. look at the brave monkeys.

r u n n i n g . s l i d i n g . h o p p i n g . c h a s i n g . s l i d i n g . s k i p p i n g 

...............LAUGHS.

                               ..............SWEET YOUNG VOICES

"these are for you."   "will you tie my shoe?"

children are so precious. when i look at them, is see so much innocence, simplicity. they have no knowledge of the evils of this world that are so real and overpowering to some just like them.  do they understand the blessings of america? and how long will the be able to enjoy them?

bright blue-eyed stares. curious faces. swift feet. awkward steps.

true smiles. holding hands. face-first fun. smooth, head swallowing shades.

                                                                                            "found a BIG mushroom."

what are their thoughts? how do their parents treat them? who are they going to be? where will 10 quick years take them?

friends. playing house. the beautiful tom-boy. gorgeous, singing flower-picker.

colorful little dresses blowing in the wind. r-shaped sticks. cowboy boots.

the ballerina loves to skip. RED FACES.

"i captured a lady bug!"...'BIG' chairs...slide race...dirty car loses...cheering.

how gorgeous, how handsome. these little ones are. 

each so unique and infinitely valuable.

"look at me!"

l i n e  u p . w a l k  i n s i d e .  a n d  a n  e m p t y  p l a y g r o u n d.

  

                                                                                                     all that remains is...

[unmerited favor]

i took my beautiful sister to college this morning. sadly, we were late - shouldn't have picked up that delicious coffee from Cooper-Ella's...

shortly after dropping her off i switched CDs...put on a mix that i hadn't heard in a very long time. as i began to feel the music in my heart and soul, i couldn't hold back tears.

i can't understand this work of grace

how a perfect GOD, would come and take my place

the stars, they don't move YOU

the mountains in their splendor

cannot steal YOUR heart

this GOD, who is holy, perfect in beauty

awesome in glory, is ravished by my heart

though i'm poor YOU say i am lovely

though i'm dark YOU say i am beautiful

somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed YOU

and somehow my weak love, it has stolen away YOUR heart

i can't understand this work of grace

how a perfect GOD, would come and take my place...

strange, how something so beautiful and magnificent as this grace is so often either unappreciated, adulterated, ignored, brushed off as jargon, or complete foolishness. scarcely is it embraced and treasured as it deserves to be. 

[1 CORINTHIANS 1:18-21]

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of GOD. For it is written:

"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;

the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not GOD made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of GOD the world through its wisdom did not know HIM, GOD was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe.

my sins. they're gone! as far as the east is from the west. it is incalculable, how many times in my life i have disobeyed HIM. rejected HIM. disrespected HIM. cheated on HIM. neglected HIM. spat in HIS face.

yet HE says to me: 

[ISAIAH 1:18]

"Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool."

i can't understand why HE has loved me so. why HE forgives me again and again. why HE longs to be gracious to me and delights in having compassion on me. 

[ISAIAH 30:18]

yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; HE rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a GOD of justice. Blessed are all who wait for HIM!

so i drove home, gasping for air the whole way. is this reality?            it is.

what an indescribable feeling - to know that you are peace, complete and utter peace, with the CREATOR of the universe. the ONE that formed you from the dust. called you by name. desired you. chose you before the foundation of the world to be holy  and blameless before HIM, in love. [ephesians 1:4]

[ROMANS 5:1-2]

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with GOD through our LORD JESUS CHRIST, through whom we have gained access into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of GOD.

......................................................................................

oh that my heart would unceasingly respond with the worship, love, and adoration that HE is worthy of. oh that i would walk with the confidence and total assurance that my righteousness is complete and secure in CHRIST JESUS - no matter how much i feel like HE should be disappointed in me. i long for the fullness of this intimacy that i was created for. my soul pants for GOD and GOD alone.

i am far from perfect. i don't have all the answers. but i know that my JESUS' love is powerful. its not all roses and pink pretty things. it is mighty. it is thrilling. it is unquenchable. it is life-changing. 

it is breath-taking.

...........................................

[ISAIAH 37:17]

In YOUR love YOU kept me from the pit of destruction; YOU have put all my sins behind YOUR back.